Things To Do In A Lecture By Paul Palmer

  1. Take notes.
  2. Take someone else’s notes.
  3. Play frisbee.
  4. Start a Mexican wave.
  5. Give a running commentary on the lecture, Murry Walker style.
  6. Turn up in a gorilla outfit. Eat bananas and attempt to pick fleas off the person in front of you.
  7. Bring a whoopee cushion- nuff said.
  8. Swap clothes with the person next to you.
  9. Get up and start dancing around like a ballerina saying, “Its a dream, its all just a dream”.
  10. Burst into fits off laughter. Repeat at random.
  11. Sit in the front row and shake your head at everything the lecturer says. When they ask why say, “Ahhh….that would be telling”.
  12. Bring a walkman and play at loudest volume.
  13. Form a barbershop quartet with the people on your row.
  14. When the lecturer walks in point at them and yell, “Its them, its them, the one I told you about!” Run out screaming.
  15. Put a whole pack of chewing gum in your mouth and chomp away as loud as you can.
  16. Turn up naked except for shoes, socks and driving gloves. Insist you stay for the lecture.
  17. Fake a massive argument with the person next to you. Shoot them with a starter pistol and walk out muttering, “Some people never learn”.
  18. 18. Swap seats whenever the lecturer is facing the board. Repeat as often as possible.
  19. 19. Bring young children.
  20. 20. Get married. Hold reception on back three rows.
  21. Bring popcorn, coke, hot dogs etc. Shout comments like “Cut to the car chase”.
  22. Sit on the front row and stare at the lecturer the whole time. Blink as little as possible.
  23. Convert to Christianity as many people as possible, including the lecturer. If you convert everybody form a church.
  24. Turn up half an hour late. Walk out five minutes later.
  25. Pretend to fall asleep. Mumble things like, “I invented the baboon”. Consider sleep walking.
  26. At the end of the lecture hold up score cards for the lecturers performance. Give marks for style, content and lack of dress sense.
  27. Have a lightsabre fight using pencils with the person next to you. Make “Vroommm, vroommm” noises when waving them around and “kkschkkshksch!” noises when they make contact.
  28. Perform a miracle.
  29. Turn up with a thrash metal band. Claim you had booked the hall for a gig. Try and play at least one song.
  30. Say, “But why?” whenever the lecturer says anything.
  31. Lie on the floor and pretend to be dead. Time how long it takes anyone to notice.
  32. Turn up in a straight jacket. Eat as much paper as possible.
  33. Get a friend to announce your entrance through the PA. “Ladies and gentleman would you please welcome…” etc.
  34. Crawl about under the chairs. Try and get from one side of the room to the other.
  35. Cover all your paper with blue cartridge ink. Write notes using an ink eraser.
  36. Hire a rent-a-mob to be your fan club for the day. Get them to come in half way through the lecture insisting on your autograph and having their picture taken with you.
  37. Yell, “Can you speak up a bit?” every five minutes. See how loud you can get the lecturer to go.
  38. Shave your legs, face, chest, feet etc.
  39. Play a game of twister.
  40. Have a picnic. Release lots of wasps into the lecture hall for added authenticity.
  41. Turn up drunk with a friend. Have a loud debate as to which spice girl you fancy the most.
  42. Write notes using only your feet.
  43. Recreate the napalm scene from ‘Apocalypse Now’ using a cigarette lighter, a small pot plant and a can of Mr. Sheen.
  44. Get as many people as possible to do a Jimmy Saville impression,. “Now then, now then…..” etc.
  45. Start a conga line.
  46. Declare the lecture hall to be an autonomous state with yourself as president.
  47. Stand up halfway through the lecture and say, “Hang on, all this stuff your saying, its a load of old rubbish surely?!?”
  48. Say, “Err” in a loud annoying voice every time the lecturer says, “Err”.
  49. Pretend to be invisible. Run around naked pushing things off of tables.
  50. Dig an escape tunnel. Nominate someone to be the chirpy cockney sergeant.

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